Claire is chosen to go on the first solo date with Juan. It's a surprise so he blind folds her and puts her into the car. The other girls scream and ooze with jealousy.
Yeah, because we all want to be kidnapped.
She tells us, “He smells like heaven in a bottle.”
Here's a tip, if you find yourself abducted and locked in the trunk of a car, unscrew the tail light and the car will be pulled over by the police.
Anyway, he takes her sledding in a make shift private winter park.
She says, “This is a fairy tale and it feels unreal.”
That's because it is, Claire.
Back at the mansion, Lucy walks around topless and tells the girls she'd prefer a group date because that would give her the chance to stand out.
The naked boobs should help.
After an hour in winter wonderland, Juan says, “I can feel myself having a nice life with Claire and Carmella.”
It's important that he takes his time considering his daughter's future.
*Cue the hot tub scene*
Claire gives Juan a back rub and starts to talk about her late dad and how she closed off herself emotionally after he died.
She says her dad would be happy for her. You know, sitting in a hot tub on prime time television entered in a contest with other women for the same guy.
Juan gives her the date rose and they make out. She tells him he tastes like snow.
Not yellow snow, I hope.
Then she says to us, “If this is the beginning of our love story, I can't wait to see what happens next.”
Oh, I can tell you, he'll have a date with someone else.
Some dude with a guitar and a piano accompaniment gives them a private concert in the middle of the fake snow park.
*Hits fast forward*
Kat is next on the solo date. They catch a private jet and she wonders which romantic destination he's taking her to; Miami? New York?
He hands her a fluorescent tracksuit complete with glow in the dark goggles. They will be running in the electric 5K race with dance music and thousands of other people.
Kat says, “There's definitely electricity in the air and there's definitely a future for us.”
And there's definitely more footage to fast forward through.
*Hits fast forward*
There's a concert at the finish line. The audience is full of women. Juan and Kat are called up on stage where he gives her the date rose in front of all those screaming women.
She says, “I can't think of a better way to start a relationship.”
Certainly not talking about your similar interests.
The next day, group date includes thirteen of the girls.
Victoria, a legal assistant, gives us this wisdom, “All of these girls want to date Juan Pablo so it could turn into a horror show.”
Oh, it will, Victoria, it will.
Lauren, the music composer tells us, “Juan looks so hot. He's showing his arms and he's wearing blue.”
Wow, she should write lyrics too.
The girls are scheduled to do a photo shoot with Juan and...puppies.
*Cue the giggling and cooing*
Kelly, a professional dog lover, is in heaven. That is until she finds out she's being put in a bald wig and painted to look like an actual dog.
Lucy, the nudist free spirit who doesn't own shoes, worries she might get poop on the sandals she had to borrow from one of the other girls. Ironically, she gets a costume that make her look like a huge fire hydrant.
Andi, the lawyer, and Elsie get assigned a costume that is only a sign.
What a great group date idea, Juan! Forcing women to pose practically naked for pictures.
Elsie, a first grade teacher, tries to talk to the director and he tells her to suck it up. She sees Lucy and asks if the free spirit would like to trade costumes. Lucy goes for it of course, and even takes her dog around the block totally nude just for practice.
Renee, the single mom, got the best costume and snuggled up with Juan in her evening dress and diamonds.
Andi is freaking out about going in the raw. Juan puts an arm around her and says he's going to be naked too. “Trust me it's going to be fine,” he assures her.
If I had a nickel for every time a guy said that to me before our nude photo shoot...
Juan, Andi and Lucy do the pose, all three naked with dogs strategically placed. After the shoot, Andi is relieved and empowered. Lucy nods back at her like Yoda to Luke when he was Jedi training.
The group date moves to the evening portion complete with a roof top pool and lots of booze.
Cassandra, the former NBA dancer, tells Juan she has a son. He's all giggly and cute about it.
Renee is next and there's more kid talk. Then there's cuddling with the sky line in the background. She talks about how close they snuggled during their photo shoot, but they don't get any closer.
Everyone is enjoying the wine, and Victoria is already slurring. “I'm not drunk,” she tells the other girls. “I'm fun sober. And I want to straddle Juan everyday.”
Juan tells us, “Nikki is cute and she's a nurse. She takes care of kids. I want to get to know Nikki.”
Where is the library? This chicken is delicious. Oh, sorry. I thought we were in language class.
Victoria puts on her bikini and spends some quality hot tub time—by herself. Soon she's upset that Juan is spending all his time talking with Nikki. She deals with this by going to the bathroom and crying on the floor and yelling at Renee for trying to help her.
She makes for the elevator. The producers try to convince her to at least put some clothes on. She returns to the bathroom and continues to cry on the floor.
Hey, I can't judge. I react the same way when the grocery store runs out of Lucky Charms.
Concerned, Juan goes into the bathroom to try and reason with her, but she is in full out wacko sooky pants mode.
Juan gives the date rose to Kelly because she had to wear all that weird body makeup and was such a good sport about it. Then he asks the girls to make sure Victoria gets back to the mansion safely so he can talk to her tomorrow.
Charlane says, “Why is he so perfect?”
Exactly! Just like I thought, Juan is a robot.
Victoria actually spends the night in the hotel. All the girls back at the mansion say they feel sad for her, but secretly they're all happy.
When Juan visits Victoria the next morning this is how it goes.
Victoria: “When I'm happy I'm really happy, and when I'm sad I'm really sad...”
Victoria: “I guess I should apologize?”
Juan: “How are you feeling now?”
Victoria: “I don't want a guy I'm going to be dating see me cry.”
Victoria: “I might have had too much to drink...?”
Juan tells her he accepts her apology, but he's thirty-two with a child to think of and he can't be with anyone who can't take care of herself.
FYI, any dude of any age with or without kids would have backed away too.
It's the night of the rose ceremony and a few girls get some much needed interview time. Amy is a local reporter so she should handle this like a pro. It's dorky. She'll be perfect for the red carpet.
Cassandra looks at pictures of her son and starts to cry. “I thought coming her would bring me more happiness.”
You mean competing with other women for a stranger's attention?
Renee spends some time consoling her and they end up in the bathroom.
Renee is going for the Miss Congeniality award.
Juan goes to speak with them—he must be sick of crying girls in the bathroom.
She tearfully tells him, “I'm trying to be realistic about things.”
Um, you're on a reality TV show, things don't get more real than this!
Juan completely understands. He sees her and Renee differently than the other girls because they're both moms. He jokes with her and says he's not sure about anyone yet so she shouldn't be worried about not being sure about him.
They end the conversation with a fist pump.
That robot man is slick.
It's time for the rose ceremony!
Cassandra, the cry baby, gets the first rose.
Nikki, Sharleen, Andi, Lucy, and others I don't care to name all get flowers until it comes down to Amy and two other chicks.
Christi, who I haven't even seen before, gets the last rose.
Amy smiles huge for the camera and gives a stellar post dump interview. “I still want to find love and who knows who it will be with.”
Charlane is shocked. “I don't know who else to love. I haven't dated in so long.”
This too shall pass. This isn't reality. Take solace in the fact that you won't be crying on television next week.
Who do you think is the best match for Juan?
Check out all the past episode recaps...
Season 18, Episode 1, "Girls Just Juanna Have Fun"